Sigh...

Prepare yourself, those of you who don't care much for quasi-depressing blog posts. i'm in a bit of a hum-drum mood, as i seem to be at a dead end as far as options are concerned. i'm enlisting into the Active Duty portion of the army, adn i can't say that currently i'm all that excited about it. Granted, there are a lot of benefits that come with SERVING YOUR COUNTRY but i'm in such terrible shape... It doesn't seem like i'll be in good enough condition to make it through basic. I went running this morning with one of my recruiters from the Bozeman office, and i nearly died. at least, i thought i had. the last couple hundred yards were absolute hell, and i wanted to drop dead, drink a gallon or two of water, and take a massive dump all at the same time. And this was with semi-supportive people running with me, prior to basic. How I'll make it through the real Basic Training, I don't know. I hear success stories like this guy Sean who lost like 35 pounds in one month, and i think to myself, "That's really nice and all, but i just don't think that i could do that without massive amounts of willpower and not a lot of "fun foods". I like to eat. I like eating unhealthy foods. I'm not exactly a fan of running.

I've been a musician for well over half my life. I'm not a warrior. Granted, I'm not in a combat MOS, but I don't much care for the warrior mentality. It all seems so destructive and reckless. I'd rather create and build and invent and so on, than destroy. Destroying is easy. It comes naturally. It's part of fallen human nature. It's not something God has commanded us to do as followers of his Son, Jesus Christ. How can I justify serving a portion of our government that has largely been responsible for a good deal of human suffering and death for the past 200 or so years? Even if I'm helping the individuals who have participated in this destruction to recover and lead healthy, productive lives, I'm not sure that it's really worth it.

Your input, dear reader, is of course, greatly appreciated. Am I over-analyzing my role in the American Armed Forces? Should I worry about the actions and misdeeds of people out of my control, even out of my sphere of influence?